A personal note!
I always wondered if a time would come when I could write about what hurts without much pretension and without having to damage anyone else in the process. It almost seemed impossible and I counted it as much of an ordeal I wasn’t yet willing to put myself through. If I am to think of something that has been worrying me greatly these past few weeks, it has been the rather absurd idea that I never really get away with anything that I do. Well, by ‘anything’- I specifically mean things that were perhaps not fully justified ethically or morally. I am not an advocate of absolute morality nor am I of the opinion that people should get away with making lives miserable for other people. But to my own dismay, when a time came for myself to have one foot on my ideals, I could never really do it. I found myself grieving at my own disarray that was only a result of my own indecisions and wrong doings. But what plagued me since is the thought that perhaps there is a reason that I must be suffering so much.
In the days that followed what would always come to me was a word of advice that my cousin Hari once gave to me as I was stepping into adulthood and it was – “Java, it is okay to make some mistakes in life, but make sure you don’t get caught”. It made me laugh and I have been wanting to not only hold on to it but also practise it wherever possible. So far, without success, I must add. Each time I questioned a friend for his/her loyalty, my conscience was faced with the question of gauging my own very commitment to their happiness. And for once when I had to leave a man for no mistake of his own, I was soon to be thrown into an abyss by another and left to grieve so I could make sense of my own debauchery that claimed my past. I let another woman down who was both kind and unkind to me at various occasions and I still did not how I felt about that until very recently. That too only when I let down another by being both kind and unkind to someone I know I hold dear. I have let down very many people in my life without meaning to and because I listened to my own heart too often. I remember my friend Malavika reminding me time and again that as women, we must all try and never hurt another but instead be an anchor who encourages and supports them. And I failed her too on a certain day I was consumed by a strange rage and I quite intentionally said hurtful things to another woman.
I am certain that most of my friends would like to think of me as joyful, innocent, lively and perhaps chaotic, but it is only now that I must confess that there is another adjective that must be added to the list and that would be – indifferent. I think I am indifferent to the feelings of a lot many people who have stood by me and failed miserably to put their interests ahead of mine. However, I suffer greatly every time I have to confront myself to being so unhinged. Rahul always warned me that it is wrong to mislead myself to believe that the heart wants what it wants. Perhaps I am wrong, but I am only learning and I am still trying. The idea is destructive and it is almost every night that Kavya, Akash and Aditya would look at my half opened eyes and remind me that perhaps the trouble is I don’t desire enough for myself. And friends who have known me for years, but who now thrive in very different eco systems fear that I have almost reached my threshold of giving and taking pain. During my happier moments, I look back and realise that despite what looks quite alluring about my ways, I have for long been victimised by my own lack of self-esteem. And that is a striking paradox that I live a happy life consumed by a sad soul but reality cannot be evaded or fully comprehend yet.
Another wonderful lesson I learnt this year is to believe that we are not the voices in our head. The persistent voices in my head led me to subscribe to the idea that forgiveness and empathy cannot be lived without. That there are no bad people but only people with malicious intents that is a function of their situations and perhaps the half-truths that they bought in. Surely, it has only made me look stupid and naïve, and perhaps because I was exactly that. Preeja tells me I must find a way to stop myself from blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. Perhaps someday I will. Perhaps not. I am convinced that whatever I am, it is highly unlikely that I am susceptible to any sort of transformation as an individual. I am not capable of it nor do I consider it necessary as what defines me is only my very individuality. And my inability to change is what hurts me the most. But come what may, I believe that the only change that I am determined to see in myself in 2018 is to be someone who will no more inflict damage to anyone else by intent (or by accident) and to have the will to forgive myself for everything that makes up my very eventful past. It may look like I am only protecting myself from agony by making that decision, but perhaps there is redemption somewhere along that path.